Building on the Negative in Our Past

Rabbi Melanie Aron

S'lichot 5761 - September 8, 2001

I was out speaking to a group of non-Jews about the High Holidays once, and someone asked me: "Aren't they awfully depressing? Spending all that time dwelling on what you've done wrong." I think I understand what she meant. Sometimes after I have done something stupid, a little thing like messing up at services or a big thing like not navigating well through some tricky spot with a family that has experienced loss, or if I've said something particularly dumb, I will keep on kicking myself for the rest of the day. I'll have no peace, thinking over and over, how if only I had done this or said that, everything would have worked out so much better. The "could haves", "would haves" and "should haves" give me no peace. This kind of looking back is very depressing and makes me want to wipe from my mind any recollection of what I did wrong.

But that is not my experience of the days of Awe. When we look back at our flaws at this time of year it is not to second guess ourselves in the past, but rather to guide ourselves in the future. Looking back with a little distance, and with the initial sting removed, we can figure out what our mistakes had to teach us, what we can learn from the experience, and how to set ourselves up to act in better ways in the future. Our wrongdoings do not become battering rams to club us down, but rather lights to guide us on a new path.

At one of our Friday night services during the month of Elul we studied an essay on repentance by Rabbi Adin Steinsaltz. He wrote:

"Those faults ought to be regarded as the seeds of virtue, in that they represent the trigger mechanism of the journey back which enables us to rebuild our personality and our past. You should regard the faults as something constructive like the beginning of a new and beautiful story." Rabbi Steinsaltz is arguing that we should view our faults positively, and see in them the potential for change and new beginnings.

The rabbis of the Talmud have made much of the fact, that when Moses saw the Israelites sinning with the Golden Calf, and smashed the first set of tablets of the Ten Commandments, he picked up their pieces and preserved them. When he brought a second set of tablets down from the mountain, both these new " tablets and the broken tablets were placed in the Ark." Berachot 8b

From this Rabbi Yehudah learns that we should not be so hasty to throw things out, even if they are broken and seem unusable. This applies not only to objects but also to experiences. We learn from our bad experiences, and we should not be too quick to discard any of them from our memory.

We are taught, sur merah ve'aseh tov- turn from wrongdoing and do right, which we often interpret as separating ourselves from the negative aspects of our past. It is true that we need to separate ourselves from the triggers of those behaviors we are trying to eliminate. Those attempting to overcome substance abuse, for example, need to separate themselves from their former friends who use drugs, in order to give themselves a better chance to succeed. But if they attempt to separate themselves from this entire issue, by denying this episode in their lives, they will find themselves in trouble. Merely blocking out our past wrongdoings is not the right approach. Even our errors have a place in the story of our lives if only for providing the motivation for what came next.

Rabbis Michael Katz and Gershon Schwatz note that most inventions come about because earlier designs fail, often 100's and sometimes 1,00's of them. Few of us like to recall our mistakes but if we can find a place for them as Moses did for the broken tablets, we will be more able to create wholeness in our lives.

Tonight as part of the Selichot service we will recite communally lists of sins we have committed. If we do the work of Teshuvah, repentance, if we regret, repair and reconcile, then these lists of our sins will not be a depressing reminder of where we have fallen short, but an inspiring chronicle of the road to future greatness.