The Will and Skill to Strengthen Our Relationships

Rabbi Melanie Aron

Rosh HaShanah 5762 - September 18, 2001

Remarks Introducing Unetaneh Tokef:

In the Unetaneh Tokef prayer, our liturgy seems to present the straightforward idea that on Rosh Hashanah we are judged, and then rewarded or punished accordingly in the upcoming year. "Who shall live and who shall die, we read, who shall be poor and who shall be rich, who shall be humbled and who exalted". But Jews in almost every age of our history have had difficulty connecting the world as we know it with this idea of Divine justice.

In a very moving passage of the Talmud, the rabbis who lived through the hardships, persecutions, and martyrdoms of the Roman era, reflect that reward and punishment cannot explain why some people live long lives and others die young, why some struggle for a livelihood and others attract wealth, why some reap nachas, joy, from their children, and others only tzuris, troubles.

In the Talmud Moed Kattan 28a we read: "Rava said: Life, children and plenty are matters that depend not on merit but on fate, for Rabbah and Rav Hisda were both righteous rabbis.... Rav Hisda lived ninety-two years: Rabbah lived forty. In the house of Rab Hisda there were sixty weddings (of children and grandchildren); in the house of Rabbah sixty funerals. In the house of Rav Hisda there was bread of the finest flour for the dogs and it was not wanting; in the house of Rabbah there was only barley bread for the people and it was in short supply."

The Unetaneh Tokef prayer is often associated with Rabbi Kalonymous ben Meshullam of Mayence who lived about the year 1100, during the period of the Crusades, a time of Jewish suffering and death, not rivaled until the 20th century.

This year I read an interesting commentary that suggests that the author of the Unetaneh Tokef is not describing the world as experienced, but rather is looking forward to a time in the future when God's reign is complete. Then it will be God who decrees who shall live and who shall die, then God will act like the caring shepherd described in the second half of the prayer, counting each of his precious sheep. That vision gave comfort to our people for many generations and moved them to work for the arrival of that day.

Sermon

Earlier in our service, as an introduction to the Unetaneh Tokef prayer, I shared with you a statement from the Talmud suggesting that neither length of life, nor wealth, nor nachas, satisfaction, from one's children, could be predicted based on knowing whether a person was righteous or wicked. If I could ammend Rava's reflections, I might chose to add that merit also does not seem to predict who will have a good and satisfying marriage and whose marriage will dissolve in pain and anguish. It has often seemed to me a matter of luck or fate. Some people get married at the wrong time for the wrong reasons, and yet everything works out fine. Other couples, who seem to have everything going for them, fall apart. And it has also seemed to me, as someone called in often at the very end of the trajectory, that trying to halt a marriage's dissolution already in process, is like trying to fight gravity's pull on a meteor.

Recently, though psychologists and marital counselors who have been studying thousands of marriages over long periods of time, have made some discoveries that allow them both to predict the viability of a marriage, and also to help a marriage change its course. Joel Crohn, who will be leading a couples workshop at Temple later this year, has written a book looking at these factors from a Jewish perspective. Some of you may have participated in Prepare/ Enrich which is based on related work. I think what Joel has to say is relevant to all couples, whether or not they are legally married. I think it is of interest even to those of us who aren't currently married- because some have been married before, and others will marry again in the future, Jews are disproportionately inclined toward remarriage, and because, even if we were never married, our parents may have been married and these same issues have shaped our lives. The contemporary advice that he gives, reminds me of ancient teachings about derech eretz, the Jewish word for ethical and mannerly everyday behavior. Though perhaps not as exciting as protest marches and lobbying efforts, derech eretz is also part of tikkun olam, perfecting the world.

The rabbis tell a story about a Roman noblewoman who laughed at the rabbis attention to "shidduchim" the importance of making matches. It's no big deal, she said. Watch. She lined up 50 of her female slaves and 50 of her male slaves and married them off, one, two, three. See, she said. We'll see, the rabbis said. The next morning the rabbis came to her home- and there were the couples she had married off, some squabbling, some fighting, some bruised and beaten.

Certainly being able to choose our partner should raise our odds of marital satisfaction, but it is not a guarantee. In the Jewish community arranged marriages have sometimes succeeded, in part, because traditional Jewish values parallel some of the skills psychologists would teach us today.

All married couples fight, but the way couples fight is a strong predictor of marital satisfaction. Shalom Bayit, the Jewish concept of peace in the home, does not mean no disagreements. Jewish families are rarely oases of complete and unruffled serenity. Jews tend to have a more intense, sensitive and impatient style than the average America. Jewish homes often show a pattern of emotional intensity and debate, but that does not preclude creating an equilibrium, ok, a dynamic equilibrium, in the home.

When couples fight, one predictor of marital longevity, is whether the fights escalate. Does talking about a child's problem with homework, become a referendum on mom's character? Does disagreeing on where to go for vacation, flair up into a review of every sacrifice made in the marriage?

One man said to another, "whenever we fight my wife becomes historical". "Really", the other said, "hysterical? She doesn't seem the type". "Not hysterical. Historical. She reminds me of every mistake I've ever made".

Another predictor of marital longevity is the amount of invalidation of the others feelings and concerns. When George says he is worried about finances, does Sherri minimize the issue? When Tricia wants to talk about her worries about Stan's health, does he accuse her of overreacting?

A third issue is the amount of withdrawal and avoidance. Each of us has times we want to be alone, and all couples sometimes play hide and seek, the game in which one member of the couple is pursuing while the other withdraws. But if it is a game played all the time, and if the same parts are played by the same players all the time, then it can become an escalating cycle.

Finally there is the issue of negative interpretation, perhaps the most devastating. If I forget to put the car in the garage, and you assume I have done so purposely to undermine you, if you say we can't visit my parents because money is tight, and I believe really it is because you don't like my family, then we have a very hard time working on our real issues.

It is a human tendency to interpret, to give meaning to everything that happens. But often we project the wrong meanings onto the actions of others. I remember talking with a couple, where she came from a family where birthdays occasioned the sending of a card, and he came from a family that dedicated an entire weekend to celebrating even the off years. When she didn't plan anything special for his first birthday after they married, he interpreted this as a lack of love and caring.

The senior rabbi I worked for after being ordained, used to say something I found a little crude, but which I have since found to be very true. Rabbi Zalman David Levy used to say: Assume A S S - U - M E to assume makes an ass out of you and me. It is when we think we can read the minds of others that we should become agnostics, that is adopt the position that we don't believe that we can really know what another person is thinking without checking.

Counselors have a number of suggestions for improving communication. They urge more formalized listening, separating discussion of issues and solutions, and checking our interpretations so as to avoid self-fulfilling prophecies. Couples often complain that these strategies are not natural, but one therapist I know reminds couples that "indoor plumbing is not natural either, but most of us view it as an improvement in our lives".

Looking over the therapeutic suggestions, I was struck by the number of times modern advice echoed ancient Jewish teaching. Modern counselors talk about the importance of controlling oneself, of not lashing out to hurt our mate with knowledge gained through intimacy, of not striking back physically or verbally. The rabbi's also teach us self-control: Who is strong? They ask. The one who conquers him or herself. Counselors urge us to become less selfish, to learn to find pleasure in bringing pleasure to others, and to experience gratitude for what our others do for us. They fear that as a generation we have less experience in showing appreciation, than in taking for granted things we feel we are entitled to. Consider the rabbis' teaching concerning hospitality: "What does a good guest say? How much trouble has my host gone to for me. How much meat he set before me. How much wine has he brought me. And all this trouble he has gone to for my sake. But what does a bad guest say? What kind of effort did the host make for me? I have eaten only one slice of bread. I have eaten only one piece of meat and I have drunk only one cup of wine, whatever trouble the host went to was done only for the sake of his wife and children." If we take for granted what others do for us, yet expect much from them, then there is no hakarat hatov, no true appreciation of the good in our lives. This can be an issue in friendships separate from marriage, and even in our general outlook towards life.

Jewish issues play a prominent role in marital dissolution, whether in Jews married to Jews, or in interfaith marriages, especially when people are ambivalent about their religious identities. For Jews in particular there remain issues of Jewish self- hatred and self-esteem, and of the projection of negative stereotypes onto Jews of the opposite gender. Jews vary a great deal in their understanding of what it means to be Jewish, or " too Jewish", and how Judaism should play a role in their lives.

A sermon is not the place to do marriage counseling, but I hope that a sermon can convince you that investing time and effort in your relationship is important and that it can yield results. My brother-in-law, a banker who works in bad debt, tells me that debt restructuring is really important "People walk away from debts that they see no hope paying off." Small changes and the acquisition of non-complicated skills can make a real difference, and offer an alternative to merely staying married because the other choice looks even worse. People married to each other can remain good friends, can actually have fun together, if issues of conflict don't spill over and ruin what initially brought them together.

In Genesis the woman God makes for Adam is called "ezer kenegno- a help and an opponent". Young yeshivah buchurs ask their friends returning to classes after their honeymmon week- so what did you get, an ezer or kenegdo? But with more maturity, we realize that it is the dynamic between us that makes the difference.

We may be facing some difficult weeks and months ahead. Under these circumstances our loved ones will be even more precious to us. Let us dedicate the will and skill to strengthening our relationships, so that the additional stress does not tear us apart.

May we each find a spouse, a friend, a partner, to be our ezer, our help and companion, in the year to come.