Preparing for the High Holidays

Rabbi Melanie Aron

August 21, 2004

There are many ways to prepare for the High Holidays. One way is to study special themes and prayers of Rosh Hashanah & Yom Kippur. Proceeding in this way, we ask questions like - who wrote this prayer, how did it become part of the liturgy, what are the themes of this prayer, what is this prayer trying to teach us about God, repentance, and being Jewish.

It's a valuable approach and some years, each week during the month of Elul we have taken a different prayer and studied it in this way. There are limitations though to this approach. At the end you may know a lot about the liturgy, but still not feel a close connection to the service.

There is another limitation. There is a story told by the Hasidim found in Agnon's collection Days of Awe.

It was during the month of Elul and the chazan was very preoccupied. He scurried around busily, carrying the machzor, the high holiday prayerbook, with him wherever he went.

Rabbi saw him and asked, How are you doing? The Chazan replied, I'm very busy, very busy. I must review all the prayers to get ready for the Yamim Noraim - the awesome days.

The Rabbi said, The prayer book is the same as last year, and you, are you the same?

There is a second approach which is to review the mitzvoth and see how one measured up in the past year.

Often this is done by category:

Mitzvot ben adam la makom- commandments that relate to God Mitzvot ben adam le chaveiro- commandments that relate to our relations with other people

Another approach is to take famous list

1. Elu devarim- these are the duties whose worth cannot be measured: honoring one's father and mother, acts of love and kindness, diligent pursuit of knowledge and wisdom, hospitality to strangers, visiting the sick, celebrating with bride and groom, consoling the bereaved, praying with sincerity and making peace where there is strife.
2. Ten Commandments

An approach I've seen in the Tikkun magazine - a list of important Mitzvot are provided in their High Holiday insert

• Tikkun Olam- perfecting the world
• Ein Shaliakh le Davar- you can't say you were only following orders
• B'al Tashchit not to waste or destroy
• Pidyon Shevuyim- the redemption of captives
• Tzedakah
• Rodef Shalom- pursuing peace

There is also a third approach. Rather than starting with the themes of the holiday, or with the mitzvoth, one starts with the individual.

That is the appproach I'd like to take this morning.

Let's begin with a section from Pirke Avot. Let's look at the words together.

• Who is wise/smart?
• Who is strong/powerful?
• Who is rich?

These three things which many people desire parallel the three gifts mentioned in Solomon's dream. He was offered power, riches, wisdom. He chose wisdom and got all three.

V'eize'hu
Text: Pirkei Avot
Music: Karen Escovitz V'eize'hu cha'cham? Ha'lomed mi'kol adam.
V'eize'hu gi'bor? Ha'kovesh et yitzro.
V'eize'hu a'shir" Ha'sa'me'ach be'chel'ko.
Who is wise? Those who learn from all people.
Who is strong? Those who control their impulses.
Who is rich? Those who are happy with what they have.

The third approach to preparing for the holidays begins with the self. We do a Cheshbon nefesh - an accounting of the soul.

Just as you might have an accountant do an annual audit of Temple's finances, each of us audits ourselves.

Last year I told the story of the great rabbi, who when the time came to recite the great confession, was able to go back in his mind, through the entire previous year, from the day after Rosh Hashanah, day by day, and review his life to see where he fell short.

He remembered that on the 4th Tishrei - he wasted time

He remembered that on the 5th Tishrei - he failed to judge kindly.

He remembered that on the 8th Tishrei - he embarrassed another person

And so on through the whole year. Few of us have memories that work that well.

When we used to have a Day Timer - it was relatively easy to leaf through past year. Now with our palms - it's a little harder.

Last year, we tried a couple of tricks to bring the past year back to us.

We looked at different units of time: a day - from sunrise to sunset. Are there times of day that are more challenging, where we are less likely to be our best selves? Is there a pattern to our behavior?

We looked at the week - from Sunday to Shabbat. What are the challenges on Sunday, when most of us spend more time home? What are the challenges during the work week? Are we satisfied with our Shabbat?

Finally we looked at the year -Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer. We reviewed in our minds what we did, how we grew, what we would like to do differently.

For me musical prompts helped - you may have your own method.

Last year, when we worked on Cheshbon Nefesh, there were two middot - character traits that many people seemed to want to work on:

1. Patience
2. Controlling anger

The first step is being aware.

It's important for people who think they are consistently impatient to know that they can be patient and it's important for people who think they are patient to be aware that at times they may be impatient.

Even if you think of yourself as a patient person, try and think of three times you've been impatient.

Even if you think of yourself as an impatient person, try and think of three times you've been patient.

What were the costs of being impatient?

What were the benefits of being patient?

Who would you rather hire at work - someone who is patient or impatient?

Who would you choose to care for - your child/aged parent - someone who patient or impatient?

Who do you want to be next year?

Open Up Our Eyes/Jeff Klepper
Open up our eyes, teach us how to live,
Fill our hearts with joy, and all the love you have to give.
Gather us in peace, as you lead us to your name,
And we will know that you are one (x2).

Theme: Patient/Impatient.

1) Here is a list of things people say, aloud/to themselves, when they are getting impatient from Rabbi Plishkin's book, Patience.

• "This will take forever" - global statements. (Forever is pretty long, isn't it?)
• "I have been waiting for hours." (When the actual time was just fifteen minutes.)
• "It's unbelievable how long this is taking." (It's usually believable for those who are aware of how long things take.)
• "I could be accomplishing so many great things if this wouldn't be taking so long." (What exactly would they be? We usually imagine that we could accomplish much more than we can actually do in a given amount of time.)
• "I'm going totally out of my mind." (Are you really?)
• "I've repeated this a million times already." (Exactly how many times?)

Impatience rarely makes things happen faster, and but it can really change the quality of the time something takes.

2) Dr. Stanley Chyet brought this poem to my attention. It speaks to me about the choice we have about what we do with that waiting time.

Appointments
The person I came to see
Was not there
But on the way
Waiting for the bus
I had my appointment
Five minutes
With a single petal of a rose. -Norman D. Hirsh

3) God is called erehk apayim, the One who has much patience, and Rabbi Zelig Pliskin find this helps him to prayer:

As soon as I would begin praying, my mind would immediately focus on all the things that I had to take care of. This would create an impatience that could be quite intense at times. What helped me become more patient was the thought: "I am praying to the Almighty Who is the essence of patience." E'lo'hei Oz/ Text: Eliakim...Calcutta Melody
E'lo'hei, oz te'hi'la'ti, re'fa'eni ve'era'fe.
Ve'ten mar'peh le'mach'la'ti, le'val a'moot ve'esa'fe.
Le'cha o'deh be'odi chai, be'toch re'ai ve'gam a'cha'i
Ve'a'rbeh ma'ha'lal si'chai, be'kol a'rev ve'niv ya'feh.
My God, my strength who is praised heal me, that I'll be healed.
And grant healing to my illness, lest I die.
I will thank You so long as I live among my friends and companions.
And add to the glory of my speech with sweet voice and beautiful idiom.

Second Quality: Being Able to Control One's Anger.

Judaism does not demand that we totally overcome anger. Anger is justified sometimes and is even required in certain circumstances. One might even be advised in certain situations to pretend to be angry because of the effect that might have on others perhaps in a situation of danger.

All of this is contrasted with anger that causes us to lose control/awareness of what we say or what we do. We are required to remain respectful of others and of ourselves even when angry.

There are two mitzvoth that we must be particularly aware of even when we are angry. The first, You Shall Love Your Neighbor As Yourself, and the second, to always judge others lekaf zchut, on the side of merit.

In Yiddish they say: Anger like salt, in small amounts it enhances, too much it spoils everything.

Anger in Jewish tradition is seen as a form of idolatry. When we are angry we are totally absorbed in our anger and at that moment, there is no room in our lives for God.

Anger is dangerous and detrimental in many stories in the Bible. There's lots of concern not only about human anger but about God's anger, and controlling that anger. We have the example of Jacob on his deathbed cursing his sons, Shimon and Levi, because of their fierce anger.

Moses' anger gets him into trouble. It's possible it is what kept him out of the Promised Land. The rabbis believe that even Moses lost his wisdom when he was angry and give the example of a time when Moses didn't know the halachah because of anger (Num 31:14). When he was angry, he functioned poorly as a leader. Midrashim note that you can control your anger as even Haman controlled his anger towards Mordechai at the King's command and led him through the streets announcing, "thus shall be done to the man whom the king wishes to honor."

Maimonides great masterpiece the Mishnah Torah which has 83 volumes puts dealing with anger in volume two.

The Vilna Gaon identifies the failure to control anger, as one of the two traits which prevents people from living up to their potential.

Many times when we are angry, we excuse ourselves by saying that it was the anger which was in control.

Rabbi Abraham Twerski suggests a little test to see if that is really the case. In this way you will be able to see if your anger is a category of illness, which requires professional help and is not amenable to Musar, to self control or whether your anger is something you really can work on.

Think of the last time you were angry, and you said or did something that later you regretted. Go back in your mind to that split second when you were feeling angry but hadn't yet said or done anything. Imagine if President Bush/or John Kerry, or the film team from CNN, or a reporter from the NY Times, walked into your house at that moment.

Could you have taken a deep breath?

Could you have said: Good afternoon Mr. President.

If you think you could have done that, Rabbi Twerski says you must recognize you have the ability to control your behavior while angry. You may not currently be very good at it. Rabbi Twerski says, not to worry. He's not currently good at walking five miles. But if he were to practice everyday, 1/4 mile, 1/2 mile..., he recognizes that he could walk five miles.

We should view each time we experience anger as a training session. An olympic runner doesn't break a record every time they compete, but they practice.

Many times anger is a result of how we frame a situation. Imagine a box left on the sidewalk . If you had just asked your children to clean up, you would be angry. If you were living in Israel where people are very sensitive to suspicious objects, you might be frightened. But if you were packing up your house and were short one box, you would be delighted.

Our tradition suggests that we try and understand the things that "make us angry" different way. Here is some advise from Rabbi Teleushkin.

An Expensive Technique for Overcoming Anger

I know a very wealthy man who became a religious Jew. He had a quick temper and cursed a lot, which seemed inconsistent with his otherwise pious behavior. A rabbi who had helped influence the man to become religious explained to me, "He's trying to cut down on his cursing. So we've made a deal. Every time he curses, he fines himself $180 and then donates the money to a Jewish cause. So far, he's donated tens of thousands of dollars."

This incident happened more than fifteen years ago, and I've fallen out of touch with the man. I don't know if the $180 fines helped him curb his cursing, but I suspect they did.

If they didn't, perhaps $180 was an insufficient disincentive to stop him from engaging in what had become a deeply ingrained habit.

But the technique is an old and sound one.

A medieval moralistic Jewish text known as Reishit Chochmah (The Beginning of Wisdom) suggests a similar teaching to those who can't seem to control their anger: "Decide on a sum of money that you will give away if you allow yourself to lose your temper. Be sure that the amount you desinate is sufficient to force you to think twice before you lose your temper."

If you are making an effort to control your temper, do this: Over the next week or month, every time you express anger that is disproportionate to the provocation, make a donation to charity. As Reishit Chomah notes, the sum has to be enough to inhibit you, and should be over and above the amount of charity you would otherwise give; in other words, it must act as a fine.

If this technique doesn't work, here's another suggestion: Give the money to a cause you otherwise would not support. If you are an Orthodox Jew, give it to a Reform or Conservative institution; if you are Reform or Conservative, donate your money to an Orthodox one. You might not be happy to send money to a cause of which you disapprove (this alone could cause you to exert greater control over your temper), but at least your anger will then do something for the cause of Jewish unity.

If you find this technique too expensive for your liking, do nothing at all to curb your temper. In the course of a few years, this approach will not cost you any money - but it might cost you your friends, your spouse, and your relationship with your children.

It is worth thinking about Reishit Chochmah's suggestion. It might cost you a lot of money, but in the long run it's cheap.

Finally, here are 6 important Jewish teachings. I encourage you to find one to place by your desk or perhaps as your screen saver during this month of Elul.

1. There are four kinds of temperament:

Easily angered and easily appeased - his gain is canceled by his loss. Hard to anger and hard to appease - his loss is canceled by his gain. Hard to anger and easy to appease - the saint. Easily angered and hard to appease - the wicked. -Ethics of the Father chapter 5, paragraph 14

2. Rabbi Gedaliah of Lintz taught: It is ordained that the mezuzah shall be nailed to every Jewish door....When we enter our home, it reminds us to avoid anger and quarrelsomeness. When we leave our home, the mezuzah again reminds us to curb our egotism in dealing with our fellow creatures.
-Newman, The Hasidic Anthology

3. Rabbi Pinhas of Koretz said: If a man wishes to guide the people in his house the right way, he must not grow angry at them. For anger not only makes one's soul impure, it transfers impurity to the souls of those with whom one is angry.

Another time he said: Since I tamed my anger, I keep it in my pocket. When I need it, I take it out.
-Buber, Tales of the Hasidim, bk. 1, The Early Masters

4. Did it not happen in the Bet Keneset of Tiberias that R. Elazar and R. Yose differed on the matter of a door bolt that had a knob at its head until a Sefer Torah was torn by their anger. R. Yose ben Kisme was present and he said, "I would not be surprised if this Bet Keneset became an idolatrous place." And so it did! (B. Yebamot 96b)

5. Rabbah bar R. Huna said: "When one is angry, even the Divine Presence is unimportant to him, as is said, 'At the height of his wrath, the wicked thinks, God never punishes, there is no God'" (Ps 10:4).

R. Jeremiah of Difti said: "He loses his learning and his folly grows, as is said, 'For anger rests in the bosom of fools'" (Ecc 7:9).

R. Nahman bar Isaac added: "It is well know that his transgressions exceed his merits, as is said, 'A wrathful man abounds in transgression' (Prov 29:22)' (B. Nedarim 22b)

6. R. Yose taught in Sepphoris: "Abba Elijah is an irascible man." After that Abba Elijah, who used to visit him regularly, absented himself for three days. When he finally did come, R. Yose asked him, "Why did my master not come?" Elijah replied angrily, "Because you called me irascible." Said R. Yose, "You see, you have just proved me right."
-San. 113b