Family and Favoritism, Friendship and Feuds

Rabbi Joel Fleekop

Friday, December 2, 2005

During the candle lighting ceremony at my bar mitzvah, in a moment I wish was not immortalized on video tape, I followed my twin brother’s emotional and heartfelt speech to me by taking the microphone and thanking him for always being there to play tennis with and making it possible for me to learn only half the haftorah.

In reality my twin brother meant at the time, and continues to mean, so much more. We were each others confidants, support, and best friends.

Even though, as we have gotten older, our lives have gone in different directions, we still share a special bond and friendship. As twins it seems that we were destined to be not only siblings but friends.

This week’s Torah portion, Parshat Toldot, tells of the relationship of another set of twins, Jacob and Esau. Like many brothers, Jacob and Esau had very different interests and personalities. These differences usually don’t keep twins from getting along, but such was not the case with Jacob and Esau.

Throughout their lives they shared a very contentious relationship. So much so that Jacob was willing, at his mother’s urging, to trick Isaac into giving him the blessing of the first born, and Esau, upon learning of Jacob’s actions, immediately pledged in his heart to kill the brother with whom he had shared a womb.

But why was there so much animosity between the two brothers? Nachmonides explains that their conflict was pre-ordained, as one was created to represent good and the other evil. The Rabbis use this reasoning to explain the difficulties Rebecca experienced during pregnancy. Genesis Rabbah teaches that whenever Rebecca passed a place of idolatrous worship, Esau struggled to exit the womb, while Jacob tried to enter the world whenever Rebecca was near a synagogue or beit midrash.

While the rabbinic commentators are squarely behind the idea of a predestined struggle, there is another explanation for the hostility between the brothers, one that may sit better with our modern sensibilities which emphasize free will over fate. Child psychologist Haim G. Ginott suggests that Jacob and Esau were enemies because they were in the impossible situation of vying for their parents love and attention.

In chapter 25:28 we read “Isaac loved Esau because he had a taste for game but Rebecca favored Jacob.” Rabbinic literature adds several, and at times, very colorful, explanations for each parent’s favoritism. For example Genesis Rabbah teaches that Isaac favored Esau because he was a sign of strength, something Isaac desperately needed after the feeling of helplessness that he experienced at the Akekah.

The way Rebecca treated her two sons was surely influenced by being told by God, while still pregnant, that the older will serve the younger. As they did with Isaac, the Rabbis add other explanations for Rebecca’s favoritism. In the Tanhuma they teach that Rebecca couldn’t help but favor Jacob, having viewed his commitment to following God’s ways while Esau reminded Rebecca of her idolatrous brother Laban.

Regardless of its origins, parental favoritism clearly played a major part in the development of each child. The Torah, as a rule, uses character descriptions only for information essential to the story. Thus it is particularly noteworthy that immediately after learning of Jacob and Esau’s mannerisms and what they do for a living, the Torah asserts that each child was favored by a parent.

One area where this favoritism manifests itself is at the end of Chapter 25. In this scene, the first time we see the boys interacting together since their birth, Jacob refuses to give his brother Esau food without first receiving his older brother’s birthright. Perhaps Jacob is so determined to receive the birthright because it comes from his father and thus a sign of his love, something which would be significant in a life absent of paternal love.

In this instance, and would could guess throughout their formative years, parental favoritism affected the way Jacob and Esau interacted. The two brothers could never be friends or even loving brothers because they were first and foremost competitors for their parents’ affection.

I am very thankful that my parents did not make the same mistakes as Isaac and Rebecca. By loving each us uniquely, by not making us compete for their love, my parents allowed my twin brother and I to be each others sibling and ultimately each other’s friend. I am very thankful for that.

At the same time it is important to point out that the mistakes made by Isaac and Rebecca are not a at all uncommon in the world today. Isaac simply only loved the child who was able to support him in his old age. Rebecca merely raised her children to fill certain roles. This mistake is all too common as parents, whether knowingly or not, characterize their children as being the athletic one or the smart one, the responsible one or the one who is more fun loving. These characterizations directly affect the way that children see themselves and what avenues are available to them.

I hope and pray that as parents, and by extension relatives, friends, and fellow congregants we are able to steer clear of playing favorites, able to avoid predetermining the roles people will fill. I hope we can avoid these common pitfalls because if we do, we will enable the people we interact with to reach their full potential as individuals struggling to complete the process of Tikkun Olam, the process of making our world a better place, of ridding our world of the hatred that existed between Jacob and Esau.

Ken Yihi Ratzon. May it be God’s Will.

Blessing For Twins and Their Families:

Mi Sheberach Avoteinu, Abraham, Yitzhak, V-Yaakov, Vimoteinu Sarah Rivka, Leah, v Rachel, who yivarech et ha-te-umim vmishpchoteichem. May the one who blessed our ancestors Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, Sarah, Rebecca, Leah, and Rachel send a blessing to the twins of this congregation and their families. Allow them to realize that while they may not always be best friends, they can always be friendly. Teach them how to be supportive of one another and take pride in the other’s accomplishments. Bless them with knowing the special bond of being a twin, and help them and all of us recognize that every human being is unique.