Parents and Children, Children and Parents

Rabbi Melanie Aron

Saturday, December 3, 2005

You don’t have to know a lot of Hebrew to know how to say most Jewish prayers. From an early age, kids figure out that almost every Jewish prayer begins with the words: Baruch Atah Adonai Blessed are you, Eternal .

But what about a prayer that doesn’t?

In our B’nai Mitzvah family group we discussed the prayer that a Jewish father traditionally said when his son reached 13 years of age: Baruch Shepatarni Me’ansho Shel Zeh. Usually translated: Blessed be the One who has released me from punishment for this one.

This blessing is found in Bereisheet Rabbah in a comment on this week’s Torah portion. We learn that, according to the rabbis, until age 13 Jacob and Esau were at school, but at thirteen, they graduated. Jacob went on to study at a yeshivah but Esau took to cavorting at the idolatrous shrines. Learning from the practice of father Isaac, Rabbi Eleazar ben Rabbi Shiomon concluded: A parent is responsible for his child until the age of thirteen, thereafter the father must say: Barush Shepatarni mansho shel zeh. Blessed is the One who has now freed me from the responsibility of this child.

This blessing is usually understood as the father’s thanksgiving that from the age of 13, his son is now responsible for himself and he, the father, would not be held responsible for his son’s misdeeds. This was meant both from a theological point of view, as well as from a practical one. As is explained in the book Sparks Beneath the Surface, in traditional communities fathers were punished when their children sinned since such behavior meant that the parent had not properly educated the child. But Rabbis Kerry Olitzy and Larry Kushner, authors of Sparks, take this a step further.

The strange formulation of the blessing, being missing the Atah Adonai, alerts us to look beyond its obvious meaning. One commentator, Modechai Jaffe, a 16th century rabbi from Prague, says that the real meaning is just the opposite of what we might suppose. It is not fathers being freed of receiving punishment on account of their sons, but children being freed of receiving punishment on account of their fathers. He notes that the Bible speaks of a generation where the people spurn God. God then becomes angry with their children and they suffer as a consequence.

From the 7th century B.C.E. Judaism has proclaimed: “The parents shall not be put to death on account of the children, nor the children on account of the parents,” and yet we regularly see situations where children do suffer on account of actions taken by their elders. Lana suggested that Jacob and Esau constituted such a case, where their parents favoritism and reliance on the oracle that Rebekah received while pregnant, influenced their lives in a negative way.

So perhaps children should offer a prayer at 13, a thanksgiving that their suffering because of their parent’s wrongdoings come to an end? No, Baruch Shapatarni is the parents’ blessing but it is not about not being responsible for one’s child any longer. Our tradition teaches that one ought to worry more that one not injure others than that oneself not be injured. Baruch Shepatarni can be understood as the parent’s prayer of gratitude that the years where they could potentially do the greatest harm to their child are over. By age 13 a foundation has been laid, a basis provided. Children with a healthy upbringing through age 13, have learned to trust and have developed a positive attitude toward the world. Later in life when they face challenges they will be resilient. Even if we are imperfect parents during their teen years, our good work during childhood will carry our children through.

Lana, today as your parents recited the shehechiyanu thanking God for reaching this day, they joined generations of parents grateful to have had the privilege of raising their children to this cusp in their development and aware that their influence will be different in the stages that lie ahead. May all the good that your parents have modeled and taught you be there for you throughout your life.