Jewish Mothers and Mothers of Jews

Rabbi Melanie Aron

Saturday, May 13, 2006

We all know the jokes- I'll give you three examples

A Jewish man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son says, "Why are you so weak?"

She says, "Because, I haven't eaten in 38 days."

"Mama," the man says, "that's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, I'll sit in the dark.

Finally, in honor of the opening of the DaVinci Code movie-

Imagine if Mona Lisa had a Jewish mother:

This you call a smile- after all the money your father and I spent on braces?

We know the stereotypes. Jewish mothers are hyper- vigilant, demanding, guilt producing. Living vicariously through their children, they are over involved, acting as if we are helpless without them. They are a burden, forcing us to eat, to do, never satisfied with our achievements or with our love for them.

Some of these are not new stereotypes- a medieval Jewish folktale tells of a young man who begs his mother for her heart, which his beloved has demanded as a wedding gift. Having taken her heart, which his mother offers selflessly to him, he races away to his beloved. As he runs, he stumbles, and falls, dropping the heart to the ground. From the heart he hears the question asked protectively: Did you hurt yourself, my son?

In the 1970's as Jewish women began to explore their issues as women, much was written about this picture of Jewish mothers in literature and the media. In one article "Portnoy's Mother's Complaint" the author points to the social pressure on woman of a certain generation to center their lives around their homes and their children, and then the irony of them being faulted for this as the children grow up.

Another article pointed to the usefulness of some of the traits we commonly associate with the Jewish mother stereotype in the difficult years of the Jewish Diaspora. Being vigilant concerning one's children's welfare, being self-sacrificing and devoting all the families resources to the next generation, were all to the benefit of our people throughout the many difficult years of our history. For many of us this is what our grandparents or great-grandparents experienced in Eastern Europe, and so it is not surprising that they brought with them this cultural style.

Though many of the women in the Bible are mothers, and being a mother was something clearly yearned for, we do not have many mothering stories. One Biblical figure though associated with mothering is Rachel. In the book of Genesis she was fierce in her desire to have a child, eventually losing her life in childbirth. Later in the book of Jeremiah, Rachel emerges as the mother of the entire Jewish people. As the Jews are being driven out into Exile, Jeremiah paints the portrait of Rachel weeping and refusing to be comforted. It is Rachel's tears that elicit from God, the promise that the Jewish people will return from their Exile. For that reason, the traditional Jewish mother's day was not the second Sunday in May, but the 11th of Cheshvan, Rachel our mother's yarzheit.

I would like to say just one more thing in honor of Jewish mothers. This relates to a peculiarity of the Hebrew language. In the Bible when it refers to Hameyaldot Haivriyot- you can't tell if they are talking about Israelite midwives or midwives to the Israelites. Similarly in Hebrew Haimahot Hayehudiyot- could be Jewish mothers or mothers of Jews.

Sociologist estimate that in the United States today there are million non-Jewish mothers actively raising Jewish children, along with over 100, 000 mothers who have converted to Judaism. These women are often the ones, not only driving to religious school and meeting with the rabbi for Bat Mitzvah lessons, but also often encouraging religious connection and bringing Shabbat and holidays into the home. Rabbi Janet Marder, a rabbi here in Northern California and the immediate past president of the Central Conference of American Rabbis, last year invited those women up to the bimah for a special blessing. She said: You are giving us the gift of generations." On this mother's day weekend, perhaps we can pause for a moment as well, to reflect on the gifts our community gains, from these Haimahot Hayehudiyot