How Not to Apologize

Rabbi Joel Fleekop

Saturday, December 2, 2006

One tricked his father, blinding the already weak-eyed with the use of borrowed clothing, sheep’s wool, and the scent of good food, all provided to him by his mother. The other deceived his future son-in-law with the complicity of his daughters and the aid of heavy veiling.

Hearing a description of Jacob and Laban’s actions, it is hard to decipher which of these two men is the hero of our story and which one the antagonist. They are, as the Talmud tells us brothers in trickery.

But if their actions are so similar, and if Jacob’s behavior doesn’t disqualify him from a place of honor, from being a link in the covenant that began with his grandfather Abraham, why is it that Laban is considered by most to be a pretty evil guy?

The answer, according to the Rabbis, lies in the way Laban behaved when confronted the morning after Jacob and Leah were married.

Jacob asks Laban why he went against their agreement and tricked him into marrying Leah. Laban responds by saying, “It is not the practice in our place to marry off the younger before the firstborn. Wait until the bridal week of this one is over and we will give you that one too provided you serve me another seven years.”

At first glance, Laban’s words seem like a reasonable attempt to both clarify what happened and rectify the wrong done Jacob. But, as the rabbi’s explain, behind Laban’s apparently comforting words is an argument to exonerate and excuse his behavior.

Earlier in Parshat Vayetzei, when Rachel and Leah were first introduced, they were described as the younger, ktanah, and the older, g’dolah. But here, in his response to Jacob, Laban says we do not marry the younger, “tze-irah” before the firstborn “b’cheirah.” The 16th century scholar, Rabbi Eliezer Ashkenazi explains the use of this new language, the choice of these particular words, as Laban alluding to the fact that Jacob, the younger, tzair, brother, used deception to steal the blessing that belonged to his brother Esau, the first born, b’chor.

By alluding to Jacob’s use of deception in the past, Laban is trying to excuse his own behavior. After all, as Zack explained just a few moments ago, you can’t really expect to be treated better than the way you treat others.

But Laban knew this wasn’t the way Jacob normally treated people. They had already lived together for seven years. Jacob had already proved to Laban that he was worthy of being husband to his daughter. Nevertheless, in an attempt to justify and excuse his own behavior, he did not hesitate to bring into the discussion Jacob’s past indiscretions.

In addition to trying to create a moral equivalency between his misdeed and that of Jacob, Laban also tried to shift the responsibility for his act of deception.

Focusing on the plural verb form v’nitnah in Laban’s promise, “fulfill the week of this one and we will give you the other” the Spanish commentator, Ramban explains that Laban tried to pass responsibility for the deception played on Jacob to the community elders. By suggesting that only “we” i.e. the community elders as a whole, can give Jacob Rachel’s hand in marriage, Laban is also arguing that it is the community elders and the norms they established that kept Jacob from marrying Rachel prior to Leah being married.

By alluding to Jacob’s act of deception and arguing that the decision to deceive Jacob was beyond his control, Laban is clearly trying to avoid taking responsibility for his actions. This, “the flight from personal responsibility” Nehama Leibowitz writes, “is one of the characteristic signs of a wicked individual.”

It is a sign of a wicked individual because unless one takes responsibilities for their actions, there is no hope of changing one’s ways. So long as one can blame someone or something else, whether that be the victim or the forces of society, or unforeseen circumstances, or the weather, or whatever excuse one uses, to convince others, and even more important, oneself, that responsibility lies someplace else, the same mistakes will be repeated. The same wrongs committed over and over again.

This, according to the Rabbis is the difference between Laban and Jacob, between a righteous and an evil individual. While Jacob learned from his misdeed, Laban, with his many excuses, continued his wicked ways.

This morning Zack, you are a Bar Mitzvah, taking your place not only as an adult in the community but also as an individual who is responsible your own actions. Like many Bar and Bat Mitzvahs before you, I know that you will do your best to fill your life with mitzvoth and to avoid making the mistakes that hurt yourself and others. I know you will try your best, but as is true for all of us, the question is not whether you will miss the mark with your actions, but how you will handle your mistakes.

I hope and pray that you, and all of us, can avoid the ways of Laban. That instead of denying our mistakes, we will choose to learn from them. That we will take responsibility for our actions and by doing so earn for ourselves a name like that of the honored Jacob.