The Jewish Value of Friendship

Rabbi Joel Fleekop

Friday, July 23, 2010

On the Hebrew calendar, this Monday is Tu B’av, the 15th day of Av. In Israel, Tu b’Av is celebrated much like the American Valentine’s Day. Couples exchange cards, flower sales spike, and chocolates can seemingly be purchased everywhere.

Today, Tu B’av is a holiday of hugs and kisses, couples and of course commercialism. Couples played a big part in the ancient commemoration of the holiday as well – but then the focus wasn’t on celebrating existing couples, but rather helping to create new ones.

In describing this special day on the calendar, the Mishnah paints a picture of single women, adorned in flowing white dresses, dancing in vineyards, urging passing men to carefully consider who they choose to marry . Not exactly a modern view of courtship, but we get the point. Rabbi Shimon Ben Gamliel describes Tu B’av as the happiest of days, an assertion the Talmud explains by teaching that on Tu B’av alone, the Israelite tribes were permitted to mingle with one another – in other words, to court outside their tribe.

Imagine only being able to date 2nd and 3rd cousins, or close family friends. But one day a year, those restrictions are suspendeded and the pool of potential mates expands exponentially. That was Tu B’av!

Tu B’av was like J-Date – if the site was available only one day a year.

You can understand the excitement of the day, but also the pressure felt by individuals – especially those approaching old-maid like ages of 18 or 19 -- to find a match.

Full of promise and potential, Tu B’av was a celebration of new love. But like the modern preponderance of internet dating sites, the ancient celebration was also an acknowledgment that finding one’s partner is not easy.

The challenge of finding the right match – or a good match, applies not only to our romantic relationships, but also to those we seek for platonic companionship. In other words, it also isn’t so easy to find friends.

This week the satirical newspaper, The Onion, ran a story entitled “Kid Ready To Start Playdating Again.” The humor filled article tells the story of a kindergartner named Kyle Gallagher who has been hurt in the past by failed attempts at friendship. The fictional five year old is quoted as saying, “The playdating scene can be shallow, and you meet a lot of kids who won’t think twice before lying to your face . . . Look, I’m not going to say that it’s not hard, because it is. But what am I supposed to do? Sit in the corner and cry all day.” Though the article and the quote are a joke, there is some truth behind them – making friends is hard and finding out someone isn’t really a friend is painful.

In more serious journalism, this Thursday the front page of the Mercury News declared that Facebook now has more than 500,000 users, with hopes of doubling that number over the next year. Facebook and other social networking sites are designed to bring people together and the average Facebook user has 130 “friends.” But how many of those people are real friends? Studies say that users have reciprocal, interactive relationships with just under a third of their Facebook friends, and of course an internet relationship is different from an in the flesh friendship. How many Facebook friends do you get together with for dinner or a drink? How many Facebook friends could you call up after a tough day? How many would pick you up at the airport?

My younger brother, a grad student, jokes that you find out who your true friends are by who shows up to help you move. Jewish tradition offers a different definition of friendship – but it is closer to that proffered by my brother than that used by Facebook.

According to Judaism, a friend is someone who offers you support and companionship as you go through life – and so our tradition holds up the examples of David and Jonathan as well as Ruth and Naomi. Similiarly, the Talmud praises the friends of Job, who for seven days at on the ground in silence with their grief stricken friend. Though we might object to what they said, when they did ultimately attempt to comfort through words, what is unassailable is that they were there for their friend -- they made sure he wasn’t alone -- during the darkest and most difficult times of his life.

In addition to being someone who offers you companionship, Judaism also teaches that a true friend is someone who makes you a better person. In the collection of rabbinic teachings known as Pirkei Avot, we read, Oseh L’cha Rav U’knei L’cha Chaver – make for yourself a teacher and acquire a friend. But the rabbinic saying could easily be reversed – Oseh L’cha Chaver U’knei L’cha Rav – make for yourself a friend and acquire a teacher – for just as in the best of circumstances, our teachers become our friends, our friends should likewise be our teachers.

To that end, Proverbs asserts, “One that walks with wise people shall be wise, but one who walks with fools shall suffer for it.” In their commentaries on this verse, the rabbis explain “when a man walks into a spice vendor’s shop, even if he sells nothing to the vendor or buys nothing from him, nevertheless, when he leaves, his person and his garments exude a fragrant aroma. And the fragrance will not leave him the entire day.” Like the spice vendor’s shop, coming in contact with a true friend – even if for a seemingly insignificant purpose – should leave you somehow enhanced.

And finally, a true friend is someone who actively strives to be your friend. In the Talmud, Masechet Brachot, we read “when a man knows that his friend is in the habit of greeting him, for example, with the phrase Shalom Aleichem – Peace unto you, he should try to greet him first. . . And if his friend greets him and he does not respond to the greeting, he is called a robber.” Through this text and others, Jewish tradition teaches friendship is a two way street, and if we let others carry the weight of keeping the relationship going, we are stealing from our friends and in truth from ourselves, as we weaken what could be a meaningful relationship. But when we share the responsibility of friendship, when we take the initiative to pick up the phone, respond to emails, and make time to actually be together, the fruits of these efforts are amazingly sweet.

In talking with congregants in recent months, I’ve been amazed at how many people were having reunions with old friends from across the country. These reunions – to mark 10, 20, 30, or in some cases 60 years of knowing one another are an amazing testimony to the power of friendship and the commitment it takes to keep a friendship going. In hearing reports back from these gatherings, it is clear that whatever efforts were made to help the relationships span the challenges of distance and time, they were worthwhile.

As the mishnah explains, on Tu b’Av the single maidens urged their suitors to choose wisely. Let us follow that same advice as we choose friends. Let us wisely chose friends whose companionship will bring us joy in happy times and comfort in times of sadness. Let us chose friends whose example and wisdom make us better people – when we are together and when are apart. And let us chose friends who value relationship. And so may we be blessed with the gift of friendship.