Responding to the Crisis of Bullying

Rabbi Joel Fleekop

Yom Kippur 5772 — Saturday, October 8, 2011

Midrash Leviticus Rabbi tells a story of Rabbi Shimon ben Gamliel, one of Israel’s wisest judges and greatest teachers.

Once he instructed Tabbai his servant: “Go and buy me something good in the market.” Tabbai went and after looking around the various booths, purchased a tongue from the butcher.

Tabbai returned, but as soon as he placed the tongue in the kitchen, Rabbi Shimon Ben Gamliel said to him: ‘Go back now, and buy me something bad in the market.’ And so Tabbai went back to the market.

As he wandered around he pondered his master’s strange request. Finally, he made his way back to the butcher and again purchased a tongue.

When Rabbi Shimon ben Gamliel saw what Tabbai brought he asked, “What is this? When I told you to purchase something good you bought me tongue, and when I told you to get something bad you also bought me tongue!

Tabbai explained, “Good comes from it and bad comes from it. When the tongue is good there is nothing better, and when it is bad there is nothing worse.”

Inspired by the wisdom of Tabbai, Rabbi Shimon ben Gamliel decided to have his students over for dinner. He placed on the table before them plates of tender tongues and hard tongues. They began selecting the tender ones, leaving the hard ones alone.

After everyone had taken their food, he said to them, look what you have done. You have each selected the tender and left the hard. So in life let your tongues be tender to one another, leaving the hard or hurtful things left unsaid.

Unfortunately we, and especially our children, live in a world where the wisdom of Tabbai and the advice of Rabbi Simeon Ben Gamliel are too often ignored. Rather than offer words of kindness and encouragement, far too often the tongue is used to hurt and demean others, especially those thought of as different.

We were painfully reminded of this harsh reality last fall, when over the course of just a few weeks, nine young men found living with the label “different” simply too painful. The close proximity of their deaths drew the media’s attention and began a debate about the harassment of teens based on their identified or perceived sexual orientation.

Tragically, the debate returned to the front page this past month with the passing of 14 year old Jamey Rodemeyer. The death of each of these young men was officially ruled a suicide. But as we learn more about their lives, it is apparent the real cause of death was bullying and taunting.

The cruelties these young men experienced are unfathomable. Unfortunately they are not isolated.

Studies show that nine out of ten gay, lesbian, and bisexual teens have been bullied by their peers. This almost always involves hurtful speech – the spewing, either in person or online, of demeaning and hateful epithets. But the bullying often moves beyond words. Describing his own experience, Rabbi Victor Appel writes, “Not a day of my three years in junior high school went by without someone calling me a faggot. Most days it was usually accompanied by a random punch or shove, or knock to the ground.”

According to the Suicide Prevention Resource Center, during the past year 60% of LGBT teens felt unsafe at school, 40% were physically harassed, and 20% were assaulted. Fear, violence, hurtful and disgusting put downs, all these contribute to a suicide rate amongst LGBT teens that is three times that of their peer group.

The Talmud, Masechet Baba Metziah asserts that “he who shames his fellow man in public is as though he shed blood.” As Rabbi Larry Bach writes, “to see it become literally true, as kids are embarrassed to death, is so horrifying.”

Bullying, of course, doesn’t affect only gay and lesbian teens. According to the American Psychological Association, 70% of all middle school students acknowledge being victims of peer harassment. Nor is bullying limited to teens and preteens. Educators report established patterns of bullying early in elementary school, with the behavior extending well into adulthood. For adults, bullying is most prevalent at work and other places where associations are not entirely voluntary.

Regardless of the target, bullying is a rejection of the unique individuality of another. As Dr. Savin-Williams of Cornell University writes, “bullies react to non-conformity” a reaction that often involves belittlement, embarrassment, and abuse.

Treating another in this way is anathema to Jewish tradition.

Judaism asserts that each person is a reflection of the divine, as we read in Genesis “Vayivra Eloheim Et Haadam B’tzalom, btzelem eloheim bara oto zachar un’keyva bara oto - God created the human being in God’s image, in the image of God; male and female God created them.”

Being created b’tzelem eloheim, in the image of God, does not mean we are all the same. To the contrary it means each of us is unique. As the Midrash teaches, when a man mints many coins from one mold, they are all identical. But the Holy One Blessed be God, fashions all humanity in the mold of the first, and yet not one is exactly like the other.

Our sages liken honoring and respecting the individuality of another to honoring God. And so it is that Pirkei Avot instructs, “let your fellow man’s honor be as dear to you as your own.”

This teaching and the countless others from our tradition which affirm the value of K’vod HaBriut, the dignity of all human beings, demand that we respond to the problem of bullying, an epidemic which has already contributed to the loss of far too many lives.

Nationally, that response has largely taken the form of the “It Get’s Better” campaign. Initiated by columnist Dan Savage, the campaign centers around videos posted on the internet which assures those being bullied, especially those in the LGBT community, that life improves after middle and high school.

While most videos are posted by private individuals, a remarkable number of celebrities, athletes, and politicians have lent their voice to the cause, including Neil Patrick Harris, the San Francisco Giants and President Obama. Jewish leaders and organizations have participated as well. Rabbis from across the country posted videos, as have students at the Hebrew Union College and leaders in NFTY, the National Federation of Temple Youth.

The campaign promises that things will be different in the future. After graduation the bullies will be gone. They will be able to find a supportive community. But those promises are not enough. It is not enough to know that it gets better. It should be better. It should be better now.

Part of making that happen involves fighting institutional discrimination. As Noah Baron of the Religious Action Center of Reform Judaism writes,

Our nation's bullies were not born homophobic, and our lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender children were not born with an enduring sense of self-loathing. Shame and homophobia, like racism, are taught, and our society is a classroom. When our states consider constitutional amendments implying that gay relationships are worth less than straight ones, our children hear them. When our politicians demonize gay people as predators for the sake of votes, our children hear them;

The past year has seen meaningful gains in the fight for equal rights, with the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and the passage of marriage equality in the State of New York. But much is left to do. In 30 states it is still legal to discriminate against someone in the workplace because of their sexual orientation, the Defense of Marriage Act remains the law of the land, and here in California, the question of whether or not all loving couples should be allowed to marry remains unresolved. The persistence of these legal inequalities sends a message to our young people, gay and straight alike, that not everyone is worthy of the same respect. We can’t allow for that to continue.

If we are to affirm the dignity of all human beings the government has an important role to play. So too does our synagogue community.

The Modern Jewish Girl’s Guide to Guilt, an entertaining collection of essays that will be the subject of this year’s woman’s study group, includes an essay by Kera Bolnick entitled “You Sit in the Dark, I’m Coming out of the Closet.” Bolnick begins,

“When I was fifteen, camping out with a bunch of Jewish teenagers in the West Bank seemed far less dangerous than telling my mother I might be a lesbian. It was 1986 . . . and I was living in the conservative Midwestern suburb of River Forest, Illinois. There weren’t a lot of Jews in my WASPy little town, and as far as I could tell, almost no Jewish gay people, except for our Cantor’s Hippie daughter, Tzipporah . . . The fact of her lesbianism was a subject people whispered about, like cancer – God forbid it should happen to such a nice family.

The remainder of the essay describes Bolnick’s struggle with her own identity and the implications of her mother’s request to keep her sexual orientation secret, especially from fellow Jews. As she humorously writes, “Mom believed Jews—God forbid it should ever happen, throw salt over your shoulder – have kids plagued by Tay-Sachs, not kids plagued by gayness. There must have been some mistake. Gayness was for the goyim.”

Thankfully the Jewish community has made a lot of progress since Bolnick was a teenager. No longer is homosexuality something we whisper about in shul. Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Jews are a visible and vital part of our synagogue community.

The Union for Reform Judaism recommends 19 different ways to make Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender members feel welcome in your congregation. The suggestions range from inclusive wording of membership forms to participating in local pride events. I am proud to say that at Shir Hadash we do almost every single one.

While there is always more we can do to warm our welcome, I hope that all of our members feel valued and respected. I hope as well that this is conveyed clearly to our young people.

According to the Journal Pediatrics, LGBT teens who feel part of a supportive and welcoming community are 20% less likely to attempt suicide. By being a place where individuality is affirmed Shir Hadash can be the type of community that literally saves lives.

Government and community organizations, like synagogues, can make a difference in efforts to eliminate bullying. But ultimately, it is up to us as individuals to live the value of K’vod HaBriut, to honor and protect the dignity of every human being.

The Talmud, Masechet Sanhedrein, tells of the time a teacher in the bet midrash interrupted his lecture to rudely ask, “Who here reeks of garlic? Whoever it is, get up and leave.” As the text continues we learn that Rabbi Hiyya, though he had not consumed any of the pungent food, arose and left. He was shortly followed by his classmates – all of whom refused to let one of their friends be humiliated.

We need to be willing to do the same. Whether it is directed at a friend, classmate, colleague, or a stranger, we need to have zero tolerance for hateful speech and demeaning behavior.

Our young people are leading in this effort. The presidents of the Reform movement’s NFTY, Bnai Brith’s BBYO, and the Conservative movements USY have all pledged to end bullying in their organizations. Each has developed materials to help promote an inclusive environment. Additionally, the youth groups have urged their members, more than 18,000 teenagers combined, to sign Keshet’s Jewish Community Pledge to Save Lives. The pledge concludes, “I commit myself to do whatever I can to ensure that each and every person in my community is treated with dignity and respect.”

That is a pledge we all should make.

Midrash Psalms asks, “What is might? Is it might for someone who sees another at the edge of a pit push the person in. Or seeing someone on the roof, to push the person off? Is this might?

When can someone truly be called a might person? When there is an individual who is about to fall into a pit and someone seizes the individuals hand so they do not fall in. Or when someone sees another in a pit, and lifts that person out. That is might?”

In this New Year, may we all truly be mighty.